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Curling
Humour
A fun look at
the sport of curling:
Curling 101 - remember
not to fall
My wife has always
been interested in curling (more than just her hair), after all her parents
had curled (heck, a lot of people even take courses in curling during school!),
so when we decided that we both needed more physical activity in our lives,
that's when the curling bug really bit. Fortunately for us, the local club
had a booth set up at the fair, as they were looking for new members. So
we decided to visit the Acton Curling Club during their advertised open
house - "come in and see what our club is all about".
The appeal of
curling is of course the exercise combined with the social aspect of the
sport. You play in teams, four per side, and the game starts with a handshake,
a phrase "good curling" and then it gets noisy from there (plus a little
slippery). Trying hard not to fall on your ass is always good fun, combined
with the teams encouraging each other with screams of "hurry hard" makes
for a great night.
I didn't know
anything about curling and certainly didn't watch it on TV but I have found
that curling is fun and have even watched a few games on television now.
Mostly I watch in amazement as they take out two or three stones, or "rocks",
with one shot and then their rock lands in the middle of the bull's eye.
I am happy when my stone stays somewhere in the target or "house".
Learning curling
is also fun and takes the typical practice makes perfect (or in my case
adequate) attitude. As I have said the game is slippery, it is played on
ice after all, and you make it more slippery by adding a plastic bottom,
or "slider", to of one of your shoes. If you can make it to the "hack",
or push off point, you grab a rock, spring out from a crouch, apply a slight
twisting motion and release your rock - easy and simple and you are ready
for the Olympics. Well not quite, an important part of the game is some
housework - sweeping. For sweeping you take off your slider and put a grip
on your shoe, this gives you more friction and makes it less likely to
fall (ha) while you try to keep up to the rock while sweeping just in front
of it. They used to use those big corn strand brooms for sweeping but now
everyone seems to use the smaller push type fabric broom. I never imagined
how important sweeping was to the game of curling or how much the exercise
portion of the sport comes from the simple act of moving that darn broom
back and forth - hurrying hard!
The boss of the
curling team is called the skip. He stands at the opposite end of the rink
from the hack and decides on strategy, or so he says. I think they become
skip just so they don't have to sweep (so if you are lazy then think about
becoming the skip)! When you go to throw your rock you don't just let it
go all willy nilly, no, there is a science to this sport, and your skip
tells you where to point the rock, which direction to spin the rock and
how much speed he wants on the rock. This is the reason that all bad shots
are the fault of the skip; their science was a little shaky. Bad shots
could also be the fault of the sweepers because many of them are also lazy.
Good shots are all yours so don't forget to take all the glory.
Each person on
the team of four throws two rocks, alternating between teams, starting
with the lead, then the second, third (or vice-skip) and skip - tending
to have more experience and skill as you move up the food chain. After
the 16 rocks have been thrown (8 per team) the team that has their rock
closest to the center of the house, while in the house, wins that end.
Points are awarded for how many team rocks are near the centre before another
rock of the opposing team. Typical scores per round or "end" are in the
low single digits. After a certain amount of ends (say eight), or after
a specific time (say two hours), the game is finished with the highest
scoring team declared the king of the world, winner of the game, or "draw".
Now hold back your desire to trip these kings because the winner buys the
first round!
When you first
start curling the priorities are 1 - don't fall, 2 - learn to release the
rock, without falling, in the general direction of where the skip indicates,
while applying the correct twist to the rock and releasing before the upcoming
red line called, for whatever reason, the "hog line", 3 - make way for
the next team to throw their rock, without falling, 4 - throw your second
rock, without falling, and trying to be consistent and 5 - trying to learn
all the strange curling terms like freeze, blanking an end, hammer and
jerk (okay I already knew this one). I wouldn't recommend drinking at this
point. When it is your time to sweep, which seems like always, you must
learn to move the broom thingy back and forth, ahead of the rock, without
falling and keep an eye out for those other rocks, they make you fall too.
Listen for the soft call of your skip and the team mate that just threw
the rock as they gently tell you, often in opposing viewpoints, how they
would like you to sweep. Listen as they tell you it is your fault that
the rock didn't make it into the house and remember - don't fall at this
point either.
With some years
of experience your priorities become 1 - don't fall, 2 - learning how to
scream louder, 3 - moving up the chain of command to the exalted position
of skip, 4 - mastering the ability to slide gracefully down the rink, rotating
through the slide and stopping, backwards, against the hack, with a serious
look on your face implying deep thinking (which really means you are ready
for another drink) and finally 5 - blaming your team for not being good
enough to carry out your winning strategy.
After playing
the regular season, which to some only feels like forever, you go through
a scientific process to rank your team's ability against the rest of the
teams in the club. That's right, after a time of simple fun, of sportsmanlike
conduct and witty social banter you are pitted against the others, others
who maybe above your position and who have been studying your play over
the year while you have been too busy trying not to fall. The rankings
are posted for all to see; who is very bad, who is only slightly bad, or
who are the kings of the world. No pressure, just go and play and enjoy
the extra opportunity to fall.
Remember, if you
can't blame your team mates you can always blame the heavy ice, or the
fast ice or the bartender's ice. @James Hamilton, July 2007.
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Volunteering 101 - are
you going to eat that?
Unless you are
rich you will have to get involved in the volunteer business around the
club. At the Acton Curling Club you need to sign up for two events of your
choice working either in the kitchen, the bar or at some other exotic location
(i.e. the marketing booth at the local fair - hey do you remember me?).
The beauty of this volunteer position is that it is a lot harder to fall
down, although still not impossible, and it doesn't require any additional
taxation. There are many more benefits but I will have to make them up
later. The important thing to keep in mind when volunteering is that at
least you did not sign up to be the volunteer director.
I promise I will
write more on this topic sometime in the future. PS We need someone to
work the bar this Friday.
Remember, if you
can't blame your team mates you can always blame the heavy ice, or the
fast ice or the bartender's ice. @James Hamilton, July 2007.
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Bonspiel 101 - are golf
clubs required?
Bonspiel is a
Scottish word which seems to be based on, from what I can only assume is
a french derivative, of "bon" or good, and "spiel" which I think means
spill or fall; together they equal "good fall", the Scottish part means
you are supposed to wear a kilt if you are a lady and that drinking is
involved. Actually I think it means league match where teams compete over
a few days (like the weekend) to drink and sweep and throw a few rocks,
then when they are warmed up they get onto the ice and have a good game
of curling.
Speaking of falling,
I think they fell a few too many times when they named some of these spiels
- the mixed M&M spiel in Alliston (I'm not sure where it melts), the
Mr & Mrs Saga spiel in Mississauga (it took me awhile to get that one),
the Ribs 'n Tails mixed spiel in Elmira (that's the opposite of the Hooters
spiel) and the Steak & Suds spiel out of Barrie (followed by the Slap
& Puke party). Acton's favourite spiel is the ladies spiel which, from
what I have heard, is a themed party (i.e. disco, western, circus, etc)
hosted by the men which involves a lot of fun, some liquid refreshments
and I understand that they even squeeze in a few ends of curling.
Bonspiels are
natures way of getting rid of the locals for a few days as they head into
other towns - determined to measure their playing and falling abilities
against other athletes. If you are lucky some of them don't come back -
they like the new club too much, while others come back bruised but ready
to climb back on the horse and a chosen few return as those darn kings
of the world - voices ready to scream the familiar cry of "hurry hard".
I'm with Dilbert - are you hurrying hard or hardly hurrying?
The Bonspiels
are also a nice way to showcase your local sponsors as many of the prizes
are provided by the commercial supporters of the curling club. I knew Canada
loved curling when our Canada's own Tim Horton's coffee chain started to
sponsor curling on television. Imagine expanding coffee out of the hockey
rinks, with those little Tim Bits skaters, and into the curling universe
- little Tim Bit curlers everywhere, throwing rocks that look a little
like boston cream donuts. It would probably be safer if you fell but could
you imagine the great spills of boston cream all over the rink?
Remember, if you
can't blame your team mates you can always blame the heavy ice, or the
fast ice or the bartender's ice. @James Hamilton, July 2007.
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Social Banter 101 - No,
seriously, you could have won - darn heavy ice!
After the winning
team beats you by a lucky rock your counterpart asks "can I buy you a drink"
and you head off the curling surface and enter the twilight world of the
game table. Winners and losers grouped together to rehash the tight battle
(12 to 2) or the particularly nasty falls (3). Like curling, the social
banter is harder than it looks.
It is with some
surprise that I found that they do not scream at each other to "drink harder"
or "fall faster". I think that most of the aggression is gone at this time,
or their vocal chords are too strained from all the on ice yelling. My
wife thinks that the yelling is the funniest part of curling (thank goodness
she doesn't bring that humour home).
In the lounge
our tables are circular and both teams, or eight people, squeeze together
like the Knights of the Round Table just finished their jousting. "Cheers"
everyone calls and the banter begins. If you are new to the club you don't
know any names and have already forgotten the earlier introduction of "Hi,
I'm Franklin Roosevelt - good curling", now they are just the first, second,
vice, skip or just buddy.
As a group you
wade into conversation, generally about the game, the ice, the urine testing
requirements, visible butt cleavage and the number of years playing and
remember - this is one of the reasons you joined curling, to meet people.
Unfortunately all the people you get to meet are other curlers and they
have been so worried about falling that they have a certain strained look
in their eyes (Canada has over 1 million curlers so you can often spot
that look in public - especially in winter). Either that or they are trying
to evade the volunteer director scanning for some fresh meat to staff some
function or other happening tomorrow night.
My wife and I
happen to play in the mixed league which is comprised of two men and two
ladies on each team. This is to me the perfect combination - playing with
someone I know and joined by another couple helps to keep the game fun
and not get overly competitive. This also makes the after game social event
more entertaining. After a couple of games you start to learn a few names
and the fun begins. If you are ever in need of conversation try to remember
these topics or questions: 1 - how did you not hurt yourself when you fell,
2 - discuss the merits of wearing a kilt whilst playing and why isn't it
catching on (ps see our very own Mary Ellen model a kilt at the Acton Curling
Club at this link),
3 - debate the meaning of "peeled everything away" and 4 - oh no, I have
to go, the volunteer director is coming my way.
Remember, if you
can't blame your team mates you can always blame the heavy ice, or the
fast ice or the bartender's ice. @James Hamilton, July 2007.
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You know you are a curler
when:
1. You put on
a "slider", run on ice and expect not to wipe out.
2. You look forward
to winter.
3. You say "good
curling" when shaking hands at a business meeting.
4. You recognise
that your spouse is not the only one who screams "hurry harder" to you.
5. You know a
"rock" is not a diamond and a "house" is not a target.
6. You drink at
the beginning and the end of the game.
7. You are willing
to argue across the sheet about whether you should be "on" or "off" the
rock.
8. You have mistakenly
taken direction from a loud screamer on the next sheet.
9. You are no
longer too shy to scream at the top of your lungs.
10. You have found
yourself hiding from the volunteer director.
11. You have put
the wrong "handle" on a "rock".
12. You have mixed
up the "end" with the points on the scoreboard.
13. You left a
"gripper" on during your throw.
14. You know you
can lunge off the "hack" with a release before the "hogline".
15. You expect
a turkey every time you "draw" to the "button".
16. You have on
occasion, missed setting up a "guard" but managed a "takeout" and called
it "Plan B".
17. You know that
you don't get sick and have a big "spiel".
18. You know that
having "the hammer" does not involve construction.
19. You don't
trip over the "pebbles" on the ice.
20. You know hitting
one off the "backboard" is not a good thing.
and submitted....
You know you were
perfect but it picked something - Brenda C.
If you recognized
these terms then you have been, or continue to be, a curler - congratulations.
Remember, if you
can't blame your team mates you can always blame the heavy ice, or the
fast ice or the bartender's ice. @Ann & James Hamilton, July 2007.
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Question:
Do you have tables and chairs?
Answer:
No, we sold them over the summer so that after our games we could sit in
a circle on the floor or kneel in front of our glasses. We figure if you
can't get off the floor you can't drive - Brenda C.
Disclaimer:
Please note that
any views or opinions presented in these articles are solely those of the
author and do not necessarily represent those of the Acton Curling Club.
They are meant to be enjoyed as curling humour - unless you want to sponsor
us or you can work that Friday volunteer shift.
Good curling -
I hope to see you out on the rink! Look to this space in the future for
more light hearted assistance with the ins and outs of a bonspiel, volunteering,
after the draw social banter and other curling topics.
If you have any
curling humour that you would like to share and that would make us laugh
please send us an email.
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